


Tommy Time: Alone, Together, Renewal

by MindNoise



Series: Tommy Time [8]
Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Tommy Ratliff (Musician)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-04
Updated: 2015-05-04
Packaged: 2018-03-29 00:13:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3875206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MindNoise/pseuds/MindNoise
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tommy talks it out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tommy Time: Alone, Together, Renewal

**Author's Note:**

> This is me dealing with the revelation that Tommy is not in the new band, which hurt like hell. I'm not saying any of this is true or the real explanation. It's just me working through it as a fan who loves them both very much.

He huffs out a breath as he climbs the hill. The sun is beating down on him and it’s just making him hotter. He swings the small basket he’s carrying, looking around as he walks. It’s quiet out here. He likes that. He needs the quiet. He needs the solitude, even if it’s just for a little while. He was packing food into this small basket when Adam breezed into the kitchen, glancing at him, and asking what he was doing. Tommy simply told him he was going on a picnic. There was no emotion in the answer, just a statement of fact. He could see Adam in his peripheral vision nodding his head, not really knowing what to say. Things had been strained for a while and neither knew how to address it. Least of all Tommy who was the source of the tension. It wasn’t Tommy’s fault, it wasn’t anyone’s fault, which is probably the only reason Adam was still around. Life just got overwhelming and Tommy’s reaction was to retreat.

He finally reaches the crest of the hill. It’s lovely, green, warm, and smells like spring. He unceremoniously chooses a spot under a tree and sits down, the basket next to him. He really didn’t pack much food. He hasn’t been that hungry for months, but he does pull out a sandwich and a bottle of water. He absorbs the silence as he chews. He’s been struggling to find peace among friends, get togethers, and social media. The world is so damn loud. Video games and tv show binge watching used to get him through, helped him cope with the chaos of the music industry and the public eye, but even that doesn’t take the edge off now. Today he woke up and decided to try something new.

He puts the half eaten sandwich back in the basket, gulps his water, and puts it away, too. He pulls out the picture frame and sets it up in front of him. This is the real reason he came here today. He looks at it longingly, feeling that familiar ache in his heart rising to his throat and threatening to close it off. He swallows and smiles sadly.

“Hey, Dad,” he says softly.

He feels terribly awkward. He doesn’t usually talk to inanimate objects. This is the first time he’s ever done this, talk to his father since he died. Tommy hadn’t seen the point in talking out loud to someone who’s not there. What’s the point? He’d asked his mom that when she told him that she still talked to his dad. What’s the point? It made her feel better. Well, at this point, Tommy doesn’t know what else to do to feel better. And his dad had always been his go-to when things got to be too much.

“So,” he starts, twisting his hands. He has no idea what to say.

Talk like he is here, he tells himself. What if he really is here? What do you want to tell him?

“Things have kinda gone downhill, Dad,” he says, looking at the horizon but not seeing it. “Very downhill. And I don’t know how they got there or how to fix it. Or anything. Things were hard for me on the tour after you were gone. I had some trouble coping. A lot of drinking and.... Nobody blamed me. Adam was there. He helped a lot. He was a really good friend.”

He smiles. Adam had helped a great deal with late night chats and crying spells and giving the most amazing hugs. They’d grown even closer because of it all.

“Adam became more than a friend,” he admits. “I hope you’re okay with that. I mean, I know you’d love me no matter what, you’d want me to be happy. That’s what Mom says. I believe her. It’s been fun, really good. He’s an amazing person.”

He stops, a lump rising in his throat.

“Things are...,” he starts, his voice getting quieter. His stomach begins to knot. “They aren’t so good anymore. And I don’t know why. Or what to do. See, after the Glam Nation Tour we had the Trespassing gigs. And those were fun, but there weren’t too many. Adam was really unhappy about that. He wasn’t being promoted. So Adam made decisions, got a new label, then... well, he jetted off with Queen.”

He looks down at his hands. “I didn’t mind, really. At first. I was tired, kinda ready to stay home for a while. I was sort of relieved to let him do his own thing and I could do mine. But weeks turned into months and it all turned into more than a year. While he was out doing what he loved, doing his job, having fun, meeting new people, I ..... hid. There’s not another word to describe it. I hid.”

Tommy feels tears welling. He hates that. He does not like to cry. It’s fine for other people, but not for him. Unfortunately, he does it a lot now. “Adam and I are not on the same level anymore. I don’t know if we’ll ever be again. He’s got such huge dreams and plans, and they sort of scare me. But the worst part is that I think I’m being left behind.”

A few tears escape. This is the first time he’s said that thought out loud. He knows he’s being left behind. And it hurts. Does it ever fucking hurt.

“He’s moved on in his career. I haven’t,” he continues. “It’s not his fault; he needs to move on with his career. It’s his dream. I’d never stand in the way. I support everything he’s doing, and he’s doing an outstanding job. I’m really proud of him. But I don’t fit into it anymore. And I don’t know what to do. I tried joining another band. They’re really cool, a gothic theme.” Tommy laughs. “You would’ve enjoyed teasing me about dressing up like a zombie or a vampire.”

He grows quiet again. “It didn’t work out like I thought it might. I just couldn’t get up the enthusiasm. It wasn’t them, they’re a great band. I just couldn’t get excited about anything. I can’t get excited about anything anymore. I kind of quit that band. They’re still offering a spot for me whenever I want to perform, but I don’t know. I was kind of hoping that I’d be touring with Adam....” He stops, nearly choking on a sob as fresh sorrow washes over him.

He sniffs. “So Adam has a new album coming out. He recorded it while on tour with Queen. I wasn’t part of it. That was my first clue, but I ignored it. The video.... he invited his friends to be in it, but I wasn’t...” That revelation had been humiliating, but he hadn’t let Adam know that. He shrugs. “He made the best decision for his career. I don’t hold any ill will toward him for that. It just hurts is all. He was nice about it, loving really. He knows I’ve had a hard time dealing with some things and it’s just.... I’m tired. I’m so tired. He knew. He knew I wasn’t dealing. He said I needed to focus on me first. And he’s right. But.... he moved on. He left me behind. And the fans... some are so cruel. Some like to kick people when they’re down. I don’t understand that. They say they love Adam because he stands for love, yet, they enjoy tearing down people in his life. Especially me.”

Tommy stops talking. He has faced so much verbal abuse from Adam’s fans over the years it’s unbelievable. When Adam’s new band was revealed and Tommy was absent, those that hated Tommy flocked to Twitter to let him know in no uncertain terms that Adam was finally rid of him and he had no talent anyway. It had been a brutal day.

“What would you do?” he asks. “What should I do? I wish you could tell me. I lay awake some nights and cry and I don’t even know what I’m crying for or why I feel so bad inside. Sometimes I feel like I’m trying to crawl out of my skin, out of my body, I can’t stand being in my own mind anymore, and I can’t get out. I can’t get away. I can’t bother Adam with all this, he’s got too much to do. The new album’s coming out and....” He stops short when he remembers he’s not part of that new album. He’s not part of anything now.

“His new record label is part of that decision, too,” Tommy continues, his voice cracking. “They wanted a new image, break away from the glam rock stuff. I was part of that image. I guess they thought I couldn’t be anything more. And Adam didn’t fight for me. That’s the worst part. But he said he really wants me to take care of myself, my mental state. At least he didn’t call me crazy, right?” Tommy smiles at the picture, but he can’t hold it. The weight of a smile these days is too heavy, too much effort.

“Adam did what he had to. It’s not his fault, and I’m not mad. He’s changed, though. I guess I have, too.” He pauses. “Why didn’t he fight for me, Dad? What do I do now? Why do I feel so bad all the time?” He stops and takes a deep breath, holding it until he feels his mind calm down. He lets it out slowly. “Maybe I need to talk to someone, a professional? What do you think? But they like to hand out pills as solutions. I don’t want drugs. Then again, I don’t want to feel this way, so would pills be that bad? I guess there are some that don’t prescribe drugs as an answer, but I don’t know. I don’t know who to ask. Or where to go. I don’t know who I can count on anymore.”

He also doesn’t feel like talking most of the time. It’s tiring and too personal for him. People in his life get frustrated when he just gives short answers to questions or doesn’t respond at all. And he can’t really grasp the concept of paying a stranger to pry information out of him when he doesn’t even want to give it to his closest friends or family. He sighs heavily, feeling defeated. He’s felt defeated for months. It’s weighed him down to the point of emotional suffocation. He doesn’t know how to deal with any of this. And what’s to come, what might come scares the hell out of him.

“I’m afraid I’m going to be left alone,” he admits. “I’ll wake up one day and everything I’ve ever loved is gone. And it feels like it’s already happening. I feel invisible to people who told me they cared. I feel too vulnerable to those that hate me just for being me. I just want to go away.”

He pauses, rubbing his eyes. They feel tired and gritty. “This thing with Adam.... I suddenly feel like I’m floating away, out of reach, out of control. And he’s just walking away.” He gives a scorned laugh. “Different directions. That’s where we’re going. He’s sprinting in his and I’m trying not to step too fast in mine, looking back in his direction to see if he’s calling for me to join him. This fucking blows, Dad. I don’t understand. “

He stops and listens to the sounds around him, the wind blowing gently, the leaves rustling. He feels a calm come over him, like a hug, and the demons in his mind go quiet. Relief. He breathes deep. He’s always been interested in different types of music, not just rock or pop. He loves playing the blues. And while Adam can sing the hell out of the blues, it’s not his preferred genre. Maybe this is Tommy’s time to explore other options himself, make his own music. Adam is progressing in his own music, but it doesn’t mean he’s given up on Tommy in any regard. They’re still together. Social media doesn’t see the exchanges between them, the texts, the phone calls, the looks, the touches. They’re private, between the two of them. Their bond doesn’t need the world’s approval or voice. While it feels like Adam is ditching him, Adam is trying to do what’s best for him. Force Tommy to focus on himself. Deal with his sorrows and worries that have been building for years. Just because Adam is changing his vision for the future it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t include Tommy. It just means Tommy’s role has changed, and not necessarily in a bad way.

The world doesn’t know shit, he realizes. It knows what it assumes, and Tommy is in no way obligated to go along with it or validate it. Adam knows Tommy’s worth. Adam knows Tommy’s loyalty. Adam doesn’t explain himself to the world. And Adam knows Tommy loves him. Tommy has never wavered from his support and Adam knows that, too. Adam is still behind him, though people assume he’s not, some fucking cheer if they think he’s not. But those people only see what’s on Twitter or Facebook or in a 3 minute performance, and they run with it. So what matters? Social media vampires or the man standing beside him outside all the noise? Which one is more concerned with Tommy himself even if it looks like abandonment to the outside world? Which one truly matters in the end? Even though Tommy would love it if Adam would tweet that he loves Tommy, hasn’t given up on him, it’s not really necessary. Tommy just wants to shove it in the naysayers faces, although it would just re-stir the drama. Tommy himself knows what’s in Adam’s heart, and he doesn’t have to justify anything to anyone. The only person he owes anything to is himself. And he needs peace. Maybe therapy wouldn’t be such a terrible thing. It would give an impartial view and maybe some ideas on how to get back on his own track. Maybe.

“He looks back at the picture and smiles. It’s small but genuine and not pained.

“Thanks, Dad,” he says quietly.

He picks up the frame and carefully puts it back in the basket. He takes a long look at his surroundings. It looks a little brighter, a little clearer. The breeze smells a little sweeter. He gets up slowly, picking up the basket, and heads home.

He sets down the basket by the door when he walks in. He hears the tv and goes to the living room. Adam is laying on the couch, stretched out, eyes glued to the tv. Tommy watches him until Adam realizes he’s there. They don’t speak. They don’t need to. They simply feel and know what passes between them. Adam crooks his finger, and Tommy goes to him. He lies down in Adam’s embrace, and Adam holds him tightly. Tommy holds onto Adam, cherishing the moment. He knows that everything will work out the way it’s supposed to. And it’s going to be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> And Adam tweeted Tommy last night, FINALLY. That seemed to ease some hearts. <3


End file.
